Let me tell you about a conversation I had when I was in my 20's. It was me and 3 other women sitting around a dining table. My Mother was one of them, there was a lesbian couple that I know and love, then there was myself. The four of us are talking about relationships. My friend looks at me and says, "What was it like when you first kissed him?" She is asking about my husband (now ex).

I thought about it, scrambling in my mind back to when I was 19 and first kissed him. I could not remember the first kiss. I remember the day, but not the kiss. So I shrugged and said "I guess it felt alive"...thinking it was a decent enough answer. My friend nodded. She then gently told me that the first time she kissed her wife it felt like "coming home"...

Well damn. I couldn't relate at all. I knew what she was telling me and was jealous of that feeling. I had never felt that.

Those two women have been together for almost 30 years. Beautiful women, best relationship I have ever seen. I admire them both, respect them both and love them both.

I've thought about that conversation a lot over the past few years. Wondered how that would feel...wondered if *I* would ever feel that way. I've carried it with me, the thought of that feeling...wondering.

He hasn't kissed me yet...

Deception is a wicked game.

Can't say I've never done it, because I have and I own that. I've lied, stole, cheated and manipulated. All bad things. Let's go ahead and be really honest here though. You're guilty too. So we make a deal; I won't judge you , you won't judge me.

Now that we settled that.

I don't like being lied to. No one likes it. I've yet to meet someone that discovers that they have been played for a fool and says "Well shit, that was FUN!!" If that's you though, let me know...I'd like to get inside your head.

I seem to be seeing a lot of deception around me. Some in my life, some in the lives of relatives and some in my friends too. I am not sure why. I tell you what though, my Father knows medicine, old medicine, so I am going to ask him tomorrow. Yes, I am aware that sounds creepy...shush.

Anyway, back to the lies. It hurts. Having been through some recent carnage caused by deception...I'm a bit raw to it all. I was almost done sorting through my own personal train wreck, only to look over and see one nearby. It's sad and it's hard to watch.

I have just now grown tired of it. I don't judge the people that are causing the carnage...I just see them more clearly for who they are. As of today, I want nothing to do with them. I'm done.

Now, let's not be silly. I'm not dumb, I can still see from way up here on my high horse! I didn't decide today that I was going to be perfect from now on. I'm no saint...if you ask me how old you look, I'm deducting 5 years!!

I'm simply saying that you know those people in your life that always have a wake of destruction behind them? Not the ones that have a train wreck and sort it out and move on. Not the ones that told you a lie, confessed and said sorry and it's all good now. I'm talking about that person that literally is a moving wreckage and everything they touch gets damaged or totally destroyed. Most of the time they "have no idea why" or "just don't understand why this keeps happening". If you know someone like that...WALK AWAY.

No really...walk away. Would you get on a plane you knew was going to crash, simply because you liked the pilot?

Live like I am dying

There are odd things you think about when someone close to you is dying. One of the people I simply cannot live without is dying...too soon, too young and too horribly. She has a list of things she wants to do before she dies. However, because of her situation she can't do the things like sky diving.

So a long time ago we were talking about the list. She turns around and asks me what would be on my list if I was dying. I'd thought about that kind of thing before and never really came up with anything. I have always found happiness to be a choice and something relatively simple.

Well shit.

Hasn't it been on my mind (off and on) for almost a year now!!

I don't have a list. I've been thinking about it a lot though. I suppose I could google the subject and steal shit from someone else's list. I remember years and years ago seeing a list of such things and thinking it was sensational. However, I don't want to do that...you should feel free to though...haha.

The honest truth? I'm separated, soon to be divorced. I have said, since leaving him, that I do NOT want to get married again. It costs money to marry them and it costs money to get rid of their asses when you are done with them!! The truth though...I would not want to die alone. I want to die with someone by my side (crap I hate it when my heart betrays my mind).

So now I hesitate to make a list...what the hell else am I going to come up with?!

I know that things like sky diving likely wouldn't be on it. Even though I have thought about sky diving, it's not a must. It's like the condiment in a buffet...you can leave it out and still have a good meal.

Anyway, I'm going to try to come up with a list. Something that is ME! I wonder what would be on your list...imagine you have 2 terminal illnesses and they have said "______, you have about 3 years before you will be in long term care...and then who knows how much longer after that."

Make a list...show me.

The Diaper Pail Incident

When my daughter was a baby she loved to explore. Not in the manner I expected her to though. Which brings us to my confession, I am a bit naive. I suspect I am not the first Mom in history to confess this! I thought *MY* Daughter would love to explore safe, clean, sanitary and pleasant things. NOPE!

She had a twisted idea of fun.

I do not think the full diaper pail is clean. Who (besides my daughter) opens a pail full of piss and crap and, upon smelling the contents, thinks "hey, this is fun"?

Of course, she is the same child who, when she realized she was having a bowel movement, decided to take off her diaper and see what all the movement was about.

Does any of this strike you as being clean or pleasant?

Me personally? Opening the diaper pail was a huge process (pre-Diaper-Genie). You had to take a deep breath. Hold it. Lift the lid, not too much...just enough to get a diaper in. DO NOT lift that lid right off and start waving it around. You're just asking to clean up vomit if you do that. Then drop the diaper in. Close it FAST. Run out of the room and find some clean air.

So imagine my surprise when I smell something in the livingroom. I know the smell, can't quite place it...follow it to my daughter's room.

OMG, the horror. Diaper pail open, the lid is more than 10 feet away!!! There is my angel, sitting inside a circle of stench and filth. Smiling happily, no vomit in site. She is happily playing in a pile of dirty diapers.

I am not saving for college, I'm saving for therapy.

I Want Sanity

Ok, how dumb am I?? Turns out I'm MUCH dumber than I thought.

He cheated on me...no need to say who he cheated with right? After all, I'm the stupid one, not you.

We were talking on Tuesday and he started sayin' how he doesn't know why I'm with him, because he really hasn't been that good to me. I brushed it off. Then all day Wednesday and Thursday all I could think was "damn, he's right...what am I doing with him?"

We had big plans to go out Friday, dancing with all my friends, he gets to meet them all for the first time. I talk to him during the day and he informs me that he invited his ex...LMFAO. I argued it for a bit, he told some lies (ie:she's just coming for one drink, to meet you), we agreed to still go.

He took me out, bought me a whole new outfit!! Very very nice. Came back to my place, got ready and got to drinking. He was all over me, absolutely adoring me. Was actually on his knees at one point, biting on my ass. Friends came over, we all went to the bar.

That is when he started ignoring me. I no longer existed. The second she showed up, I became nothing. I tried briefly to capture his attention, failed. One drink turned into an entire night, and at no point was she actually "introduced" to me.

We all went back to a friends house after the bar. His ex spent a good hour telling me how I needed to fight for him, make a fuss and fight. Yeah, no thanks. I told her that it would be a cold day in hell that I would waste time trying to convince someone to love me. I went to bed.

Woke up the next morning, found him just as the pic above shows. What you can't see is that he is still inside her...sorry for the mental image there. I slapped him into conciousness and said "look at me Baby, look hun..." He said "I see you Baby Girl" to which I growled "now f*cking look at you!!"

He passed out before even realizing. I got a ride home after taking the pic on HER phone...lol. Came home and upon seeing his car in the driveway and possessions in my house I became a vandal.

It's offensive on so many levels. You can imagine them, I'm sure. What you don't know is that they are not getting back together. They didn't do it because they wanted to be together. It was just for shits and giggles.

I'm all better now. My moment of temporary insanity is over. My life was so free of drama until this whole incident. I've reverted back to my usual drama-free lifestyle...so no more nasty vandalism.

I Kiss Your Lips and Close My Eyes

He spends his time with me, shares his bed with me, calls me, spoils me and always has my back.

He'll never be mine though.

No matter how much time we spend, no matter how wonderful I am, no matter how well things work and click from beginning to end...he belongs to her.

She won't release him, he won't walk away.

Often I think he chooses her because he knows he would love me more...and that scares him. I think he's more comfortable with the devil he knows than the devil he doesn't. Falling for me is more dangerous to him and he fights it all the time. He tells me that he fights it.

He will tell me how much he cares about me. There's an abundance of affection and adoration for me. He goes out of his way, day in and day out, to show me how he feels about me.

But when I look in his eyes...I see it. I'm not stupid. I see her, how much he misses her, how much he will never love me.

There's no doubt, none at all, that he loves me to some extent. We are wild together. There's places he could take me, and things he could do to me...but I won't. I would fall so hard. It would be foolish to fall so hard for someone that will never reciprocate.

I am foolish for even getting this far with him. I should have run long ago. He does things to me that I can't resist. He unlocks things in me that I sealed long ago, things that bring joy. Even sounds he makes...

I guess, as an old lover wrote:

I'm Over the edge, I could still set myself free
But I'm going to ride it down
Ride it down

Dating disasters

K, I am dating...for the first time since 1995. Lots has changed, now I can call from home, cell, text, IM and meet in person. You are almost never unreachable. Not only that, but *I* have changed. I am 30 now, I totally love myself, I'm gorgeous and there are plenty of men to choose from. Big difference from the last time I was dating!!!

So, I'm on a dating marathon. My best friend has made me swear that if asked out on a date by someone attractive, I will accept. She also made me swear to let the man pay. Both of these promises are hard to keep. I have slight anxiety, so I would sometimes rather eat my own arm instead of going on a date. Also, let a man pay for me??!!! Are you insane? I may be a single Mother, but I'm not broke, I'm not a charity case, I'm not...ok, I'll stop. Can you see me choking on my pride?

Anyway, back to the dating marathon. Am I the only woman that can tell within about 13 seconds whether the date is a waste of my time? Seriously...13 seconds. Watch him walk toward me, check out his shoes, once over on the hair, quick glance at the fingernails, eye contact...ding! Decision made. It's just that quick. A "no" can happen that fast for me. I'll still go on the date, make conversation, laugh, flirt slightly...make CERTAIN it's a no. Typically though, the first impression is exact.

I have to say I'm going on a LOT of blind dates, so usually the first date is also the first meeting.

So, I got my hair pulled in a brand new Cadillac. Went to a Newfie bar...EEEKKKK...bad choice for a first date men! I went to a trendy new restaurant that didn't even serve soda!! WTF?! I have been offered drugs on a second date. I've been in a tow truck on a first date. Been proposed to twice, within a week of meeting the man. It's just been a riot.

I'm having trouble finding a man I'd like to see more than once.

I'm telling you though...13 seconds. Don't even pretend like it takes you longer than 13 seconds to determine an attraction...

Fridgette, not what you think

So, I'm Fridgette. But it's not what your dirty little mind thinks!! I am the only daughter of a man they call "Fridge". When I was 14 he thought it would be SO funny to call me Fridgette. Here I am 16 years later, still laughing...ha ha. Not funny. Wasn't funny then, isn't funny now.

Ok, it's a little funny. He later had 2 more children, both sons. Poor suckas got stuck with "Cooler" and "Thermos". At least Fridgette is a little funny, and a little dirty. You don't wanna know what my step-mother's nickname is......now that shit is funny.

Well, that's me for now. I'll try this whole blog thing, see what comes of it.