Watching the snow fall...

Forgive me, I kinda upload these in batches which makes everything seem to appear all at once. The home purchase happened on July 1st.....today is October 13th...this post was written about 10 days ago.
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It's Sunday, he is at work, the girls are with their Father. The snow is falling outside and I have Van Morrison cranked.

I wander around the house..looking here and there. Noticing the work we've done, the work we've yet to do and the things I'd like to get done today. I'm swinging wildly between memories of the past and imagining the future. It's clearly one of those fantastic nostalgic days. I'm tempted to light a fire to add to my mood.

The house feels odd today. It's our family home and it's empty except for me. I wander up to my youngest daughter's room and look out her window. What's it like for her to look out this window? What's it going to be like for her in 10 years when she has looked over this backyard for most of her young life? I have no answers.

I wander back downstairs and find myself at the oldest daughter's window. It faces the same direction as the youngest's window, yet the view is different. I get to wondering about her future....her life in this room. Will the tree directly outside her window teach her about transitions in life? What kind of teenager will she be?

Ahhhh....Supertramp.

I find myself standing at door to the deck, looking out at our yard, the fence, the alley and finally Ken & Jan's house across the alley. I recall a conversation He and I had when we first began to discuss purchasing a house and I am overwhelmed. I am a sagittarius, therefore it's been said that I am an eternal bachelor, have a penchant for freedom and travelling. The few people who know me deeply know what happens when you tell me what I can't do. So He asks me "I'm wondering if you've really thought this through. Imagine it's one of your Sundays. I'm at work, the girls are with their father, you're alone in the house. You're standing looking out at the backyard, you see the fence....and you feel trapped. You feel the lack of freedom and you start running. Is that how you're going to feel?"

My answer? "Meh, who knows?"

Reality of today?

I am overwhelmed. I stood at that window for a long time this morning. I stared at the yard, the fence, the garage, the back lane and Ken's house. Ken's house is a 1.5 storey just like ours. There is a rush of emotions standing at that window today, watching the snow fall, remembering and imagining. I remember meeting a girl in high school who lived in the same house her whole life. We were standing in her kitchen looking out at the backyard and she told me that her whole life was in that backyard. I was jealous. My life is scattered across all of Canada. Halifax to Vancouver, Greyhound stations, airplanes, apartments, shelters, dozens of houses, dozens of streets.....my life has no container. There is no location where I "grew up". I longed for that my whole life. I longed for roots, feet planted, stability...something consistent. All my life I wanted a home. I remember that.

I look at the yard and see our plans, our hopes for the seasons to come. I see the snow falling, an indication that things are ending. Death and hybernation begin. Yet the things I'm seeing with my heart make me feel so alive. I see the life I wanted to give to my children. I see a dream realized. I see that my three daughters have a place to say "that's where I grew up". This is their street, their schools, their neighborhood, their backyard. Even if they take it for granted and have no idea about it's value, it's ok. Today, in my bubble of nostalgia I appreciate it enough for all of them.

The little girl in me has it all, I feel so complete. I may be 33 years old, but on this fine Sunday morning, I'm a little girl again.