My trip to see my Nanny was difficult from start to finish. I don't know the family very well. Trying to get to know them at this stage is fun but fills me with a great sense of loss. It brings forth a swell of emotions, most of which I've dealt with so many times it's ridiculous. At least this puts a new spin on old feelings, I'm thankful for the spin.
My Grampa was rough on me regarding my relationship with my father, but I understand his point of view. In the end he came to understand mine and suggested I ignore all the advice he'd attempted to give me. He has always loved me and it's hard when he sometimes asks me who I am. He knew me when I was a very little girl; he's never known me as an adult.
My all-time favorite Uncle and his new wife, my new Auntie, basically wrapped their lovin' arms around me and adopted me as their own. They promised to take care of me and opened their whole world to me. My "new" Auntie is won-der-ful. She is a Southern Belle who let me introduce her to curry chicken. I met his previous wife and let me tell you, he traded up significantly.
My cousins and I had a sleep over. It involved Crown Royal & Vodka. We are the three oldest girls, the oldest girl has no shame in waxing on about how she "paved the way" for the two of us. There was a lot of laughter. Again making it all bittersweet.
My father was himself. He exchanged a short, very abrupt "hello" in the hospital room. I have no words for him. We all went out to an amazing Greek restaurant where he actually screamed at me for moving a chair. Something along the lines of "the manager already told us to keep this area clear for the serving staff". Which obviously I was expected to be aware of even though I was at the exact opposite end, completely out of earshot and simply wanted to pull up a quick chair to speak with my Grampa who was sitting with his hearing aid off because he was sitting next to my father who doesn't talk to him.
During my time there I spent a few afternoons alone with my Nanny. Holding her hand while she slept. Brushing her hair. Playing Nat King Cole for her. She slept most of the time. Twice I put my head down on her pillow and slept next to her. Cuddling was impossible, but with her in the bed and I in the chair we managed to hold hands and nap together. She would wake up and ask me who I was. I would tell her and we would talk briefly. She would say things like "it sure is nice to have a friend like you" and "I'm sorry if I hurt you". I assured her that all she'd ever done was love me. Mostly it was her sleeping and being the very weakened shell of the woman I remembered.
I went to see my Nanny again, one last time before boarding my flight. Favorite Uncle, Auntie and I went, all dragging our heals. None of us particularly wanted to go, the hospital smelled of urine, the halls were full of patients wandering around in various stages of disrobe and asking questions that weren't decipherable. One woman even had instructions taped to her back about not letting her leave the unit and returning her if she was lost. Uncle said a patient had wandered away ten days prior and died in the park adjoining the hospital. So like I said, none of us wanted to go, but that is where Nanny was, so we went.
Well let me tell you!! We walked in, she was wide awake, had her teeth in, knew who we were, had eaten, asked for water and held it on her own!! It was AMAZING! Uncle and I were exchanging looks that said things like "wow, holy shit, sweet baby Jesus" and "I wonder if I can reschedule my flight" and "she could get better"!!! Then we realized the truth we'd both learned in our lives. We pried, LITERALLY PRIED ourselves away from her when it was time to go, broke down sobbing in the elevator, drove to the airport. Aunt and Uncle went to International departures and I went to my Domestic flight.
Nanny passed days later on August 22nd.
