Watching the snow fall...

Forgive me, I kinda upload these in batches which makes everything seem to appear all at once. The home purchase happened on July 1st.....today is October 13th...this post was written about 10 days ago.
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It's Sunday, he is at work, the girls are with their Father. The snow is falling outside and I have Van Morrison cranked.

I wander around the house..looking here and there. Noticing the work we've done, the work we've yet to do and the things I'd like to get done today. I'm swinging wildly between memories of the past and imagining the future. It's clearly one of those fantastic nostalgic days. I'm tempted to light a fire to add to my mood.

The house feels odd today. It's our family home and it's empty except for me. I wander up to my youngest daughter's room and look out her window. What's it like for her to look out this window? What's it going to be like for her in 10 years when she has looked over this backyard for most of her young life? I have no answers.

I wander back downstairs and find myself at the oldest daughter's window. It faces the same direction as the youngest's window, yet the view is different. I get to wondering about her future....her life in this room. Will the tree directly outside her window teach her about transitions in life? What kind of teenager will she be?

Ahhhh....Supertramp.

I find myself standing at door to the deck, looking out at our yard, the fence, the alley and finally Ken & Jan's house across the alley. I recall a conversation He and I had when we first began to discuss purchasing a house and I am overwhelmed. I am a sagittarius, therefore it's been said that I am an eternal bachelor, have a penchant for freedom and travelling. The few people who know me deeply know what happens when you tell me what I can't do. So He asks me "I'm wondering if you've really thought this through. Imagine it's one of your Sundays. I'm at work, the girls are with their father, you're alone in the house. You're standing looking out at the backyard, you see the fence....and you feel trapped. You feel the lack of freedom and you start running. Is that how you're going to feel?"

My answer? "Meh, who knows?"

Reality of today?

I am overwhelmed. I stood at that window for a long time this morning. I stared at the yard, the fence, the garage, the back lane and Ken's house. Ken's house is a 1.5 storey just like ours. There is a rush of emotions standing at that window today, watching the snow fall, remembering and imagining. I remember meeting a girl in high school who lived in the same house her whole life. We were standing in her kitchen looking out at the backyard and she told me that her whole life was in that backyard. I was jealous. My life is scattered across all of Canada. Halifax to Vancouver, Greyhound stations, airplanes, apartments, shelters, dozens of houses, dozens of streets.....my life has no container. There is no location where I "grew up". I longed for that my whole life. I longed for roots, feet planted, stability...something consistent. All my life I wanted a home. I remember that.

I look at the yard and see our plans, our hopes for the seasons to come. I see the snow falling, an indication that things are ending. Death and hybernation begin. Yet the things I'm seeing with my heart make me feel so alive. I see the life I wanted to give to my children. I see a dream realized. I see that my three daughters have a place to say "that's where I grew up". This is their street, their schools, their neighborhood, their backyard. Even if they take it for granted and have no idea about it's value, it's ok. Today, in my bubble of nostalgia I appreciate it enough for all of them.

The little girl in me has it all, I feel so complete. I may be 33 years old, but on this fine Sunday morning, I'm a little girl again.

Because you were wondering....

I'm certain you're waiting with baited breath to hear how that new house is now that we've been living in the house for almost a whole month! Ok, maybe not with baited breath, but let's sit and enjoy the update, shall we?

So, we moved in with the help of Sean, Melanie, Andrew and Jason! There was a lot of sweat, some grunting, some beer and at one point Jason was found talking to a cardboard box.

The house is huge. I'm starting to think that maybe it's too big. I miss my cleaning lady. I am hoping to have the house mostly tidy for the housewarming. :)

We painted our room red. We painted the youngest daughter's room "Elberta Peaches" which is super cheerful and makes me giddy. It's girly too...GIRLY...and the tomboy chose it!!! Oldest girls' room is "Go Girl" pink and we all LOVE the colour. I'm sad to say that the painting isn't flawless, such is life, I'll fix it over winter. Her's was interesting to paint. We discovered that under the brown paint was blue paint, then white paint, then....the EXACT colour of PINK that we painted her room!! Moral of the story? Some things in life are supposed to be pink, let them be.

The lawn is a nightmare. An absolute nightmare. I think we're going to try to control it this year, let it die and start that project next year.

We ripped out a window, cored through the 8 inches of concrete and installed a new window. We ripped out two walls and two closets. We pulled out a drop ceiling. We've put up 3 walls and two closets. We dug out the basement floor, put drainage in and built a subfloor. We have to get Rick to move an outlet, light switch and fixture. Manthingy installed the copper piping for the toilet last night, we're doing the sink and tub today. We are hoping that the new bathroom in the basement will be done by Saturday. We have flushing toilets on every floor now. I am immensely proud of him. I know nothing about this kind of stuff, well...mostly nothing. I follow directions very well, but his is the brains. We've done this ourselves, him, our three daughters and myself. It's been an INCREDIBLE team effort and so much fun.

Oh, I almost forgot! He called our utility carrier to ensure that the old rental utilities were no longer in our name. He was informed that there is a renter moving into our home and we are no longer listed as residing in our new home!! The renter set up utilities and it overrides ours!!

We have to slow down the renos once this batroom is done though. It's super hard living in a reno bubble. We miss our friends. The pool is up, we've yet to enjoy it mostly because global warming is a stupid lie and the summers here SUCK. I'm almost looking forward to global warming!! We have a nice BBQ that we've used once, just too busy to fire it up and clean it aferward. We are exhausted and behind schedule.

Now, that might sound like complaining...lol...but it's not. It's bragging!! We own our home!! It's ours to enjoy! While we were ripping out the first wall he smirked, I enquired about the smirk. He said that he was just thinking the the landlord was gonna be really pissed that we ripped out a wall....rofl!! I told him he could make it up to me. We are under budget thus far and we've done all the work. We haven't contracted it out. Which feels really good.

Our house will still be a work in progress on Saturday. It's not going to be perfect, but c'mon out and celebrate it with us if you're in the neighborhood!!

Post-possesion

Ok, so here's a quick update.

He has new tools. I have new appliances. Yet, until delivery the house remains empty.

The house was bought by a corporation and housed 5 Mexican workers, all men, with a big aggressive dog. The neighbors did NOT like the dog. The house was not horribly abused, but it was not loved. Then the house sat empty for a year. The house is filthy. Filthy filthy filthy. I have never had to WASH baseboards. I've dusted them, given them a quick wipe....but not had to wash them to this degree. He took down the light cover in the kitchen, there was almost a full inch of bugs in it and it took more than 15 minutes to scrub it clean. It's nothing insurmountable, just elbow grease, which is easy to come by. It's clear that the renters didn't clean it and the owners didn't care much.

Anyway, neighbors are pretty great. Word seems to have spread that we are here, a fellow named Dave stopped by, he lives across the alley and over one. Neighbors on one side have lived there for 16 years, nice couple with a young son. Other side is an older fellow who helped my manthingy repair the fence when we discovered it had collapsed. All the neighbors are very pleased to see a young family, at least the ones we've met.

The apple tree out back is Granny Smith likely. The flowers and such are amazing. Sadly the yard needs MASSIVE TLC. Massive. We can't focus on that until after the move though.

We are painting, doing minor repairs and cleaning.

He does a happy dance every once in a while. Sometimes he just stops everything, throws his head back and sighs. I sing....at the top of my lungs in the key of "off". Sometimes I cry....it's so overwhelming. There are a lot of little things to get done, which is daunting every once in a while. Neither of us is afraid of that though, so we just keep plugging away at it.

Life is good. The kind words and shared rejoicing mean so much to us right now. You all bring us such joy. What a good bunch of people you are.

The Joy Behind My First Home

Ok, here goes, 63 minutes until possession. I type better under pressure anyway right? Here's why I love the support we're getting from everyone.

My childhood was mostly insane. I remember a time when we had a nice home, nice car, a cleaning lady and my Mother once lit her cigarette with a $50 bill. That time was very brief and very fleeting. My reality was typically flat broke, bad house in a bad neighborhood, no car, no food. I remember sleeping in Greyhound stations. I remember being po'. When I was a teenager we lived in subsidized housing, got a VCR, a microwave and my Mom bought a car when I was 13. We were living the high life in my mind. there was a yard and a 7-11 across the street!

My Mother has yet to purchase a home. My brother has purchased four though.

Over the course of my adult life I had completely given up on home ownership. I didn't see it as something that was attainable for me. When I would dream....I couldn't dream or hope enough to imagine owning a home. When I got married I was homeless...essentially, we mercifully got to house-sit for a bit until we rented an apartment. We had no TV, no VCR, no stereo, no couch, no car, no microwave, no dishwasher, the list keeps going...no bed....on and on. Hell, I didn't have a dishwasher until 2006! A microwave took even longer.

My fiance's parents owned a variety of homes over the course of his life. He is accustomed to home ownership. He was a successful business owner when he was in his 20's. He was a workaholic and had HUGE dreams. He always saw them being attained. Then life set in....he went bankrupt, he had the immense blessing of his daughter being born (way outside of his plans though), his Father passed away, his relationship with his daughter's Mother ended.....the list goes on. After it all went bad and sour, he gave up too. He figured that an average life of just relaxing was enough for him. He still dreamed his dreams, including owning his own home, but had put them all aside.

Here we are today.

It's not a big deal to most. It's a big deal to me. It's like when I was a single Mother and I bought myself my diningroom table. It felt like a rite of passage. I know most of you own your home, I know some of you are millionaires. My dreams might seem small....but they're mine and they're coming true. That's all that matters.

The support from friends has been wonderful. TJ could tell me off the top of his head exactly how many more sleeps it was. Alisha, Lucy, June, Michael, Sean, Christina, David, Trina and Margaret....and....sooooo many others have daily rejoiced with me and made it delightful.

So, I'm gonna go load my three daughters into the Magnum (my dreamcar btw), pick up a few slurpees, roll the windows down and take a leisurely drive over to my new house.

Happy Canada Day everyone.

Single Parents

I want to write about this before my memory grows dim and I forget it's value. So bear with me.

I was raised by a single Mom. My childhood was not easy, in fact it was difficult at the best of times. I saw things that I suspect (by the opinions and attitudes I have encountered in life) not everyone sees. I saw my Mother struggle. I saw her succeed, I saw her fail. I saw her when she was beaten, broken and should have given up. I saw her weep. I saw her in a very raw and real way. Not only was she a single Mom in the 70's, she was a teenage single Mom. I was raised by an addict. An addict that fell prey to abusive men.

Pretty picture eh?

I cannot describe some of the things I've seen. Even if I could, I would not. Instead, let me share some other things.

I saw her laugh. I saw her joy. I saw her smile. I remember my Mother being an example of endurance. Yet she never ever looked the part; her laughter was always nearby. Even in those times when I saw her beaten, in that time when she should have quit, should have given up....I saw her raise her head. I saw her stand. I saw her refuse to give up. I have seen my Mother take on Goliath. I am *most* grateful that I saw things other people didn't see. I saw her in moments of weakness. I saw her at her lows, when she shut out the outside world. Which only made her strength even more amazing. She would always (still does) bounce back and take down the Goliath. Whether Goliath was a Dartmouth school that was openly abusing the students, or an employer that paid dearly for a wrongful dismissal. Sometimes Goliath was the opinions of people like you and me, or worse, her own fears.

My Mother was always an example of strength and joy. She was never lazy, she never sat on her ass and collected welfare (that's not to say she never collected welfare, because she totally DID! There is NO shame in that, the 'shame' comes when you abuse the system and choose to be lazy). She kicked her addictions, even when people told her she couldn't. She put an end to abuse in her life. She took a stand against abuse and never again fell prey to it. She worked hard my entire childhood, sacrificing time with her children in order to provide for her children.

I never thought that I too would become a single Mother. I saw my Mother struggle and didn't want that path for myself. Life happens though! I made choices that led me smack into being a single Mother. I choose that path...WOW....hard path. Bloody hard. In fact there was one night when I thought it was impossible. I found my own Goliath. I found Goliath and I could no longer fight. I was ready to give up and concede. Then I thought of my Mom.

I did not give up. I thought of my Mom and I kept going. I got a better job, a great job in fact. A job I still love and still appreciate today. I remember the first paycheque I got. I also remember the paycheque that got me out of the red. I was able to pay my bills, provide for my children and stop struggling so much. I remember holding the pay stub in my hands and crying. I called my Mom. I called Carol and Doreen too. I called women that were single Mothers before me. I called them and thanked them. Thanked them for not giving up. Thanked them for paving the way, for walking this path before I did. For setting an example of what could be accomplished if I didn't give up. I told them that I wasn't giving up. That I was finally succeeding and I owed part of my success to them, to my own Mother.

This world is full of all different kinds of people, for that I am thankful. There are people that will succeed in different ways than I have, for that I am also thankful. I write this to share my gratitude and to remind myself. I also write this so that when I, and possibly you too, see someone that is still a work in progress you will appreciate them, not judge them.

As my Mother has aged she has not stopped accomplishing things. She followed her true dream and has been supporting herself as a full time artist for more than a decade. She fell in love. She is a Kookum. I lived my entire childhood looking up to (funny because she's barely 5") this beautiful, commanding woman.

I am no longer a single Mother, but I was, and I remember.

Plastic Mistletoe Makes Me Happy

Sometime in October I had my annual realization that I did not have any mistletoe for Christmas time. YIKES!! My Mother always hung a ball of cheap plastic mistletoe at Christmas time and I've NEVER continued that tradition, much to my dismay. No big deal, but this year I was DETERMINED to remember to pick up some mistletoe.

Now that should be simple.....but it wasn't. I've been everywhere, I've scoured and hunted. I've looked for some almost every single time I'm out shopping. We've made special stops in stores we NEVER go in. Everyone has holly. Bah. I don't want holly. We found stuff that we could pretend was mistletoe....the berries were white!

It got so bad that my two oldest daughters secretly gathered materials and made me paper mistletoe! So freakin' amazing and is now my prized mistletoe.

We were going to purchase a festive sign at Home Sense that said "warning: entering mistletoe area"....but alas we HAD NO FREAKIN" MISTLETOE!!!

As you know we just spent a few days in Winnipeg. It was an amazing trip that we loved. Such a special time with his family. Some of the nicest people ever. However it was the most emotionally exhausting trip I've ever taken. Being with the beloved matriarch of this very large family while she enjoys her last days is a gift and it's wonderful....wonderfully exhausting.

So we're making the trek home all in one day. Three children, two exhausted parents, coffee, a portable DVD and other luxuries....barreling westward.....no breaks. It's ok because our Magnum is perfection. Well....it *was* perfection....until we hit that thing in the road and there was that loud sharp sound of impact....followed by really odd whistling sounds. Plastic cover that protects the oil pan....shattered. He removed it just off the side of the highway, actually, we ended up in the driveway of a local farmhouse....long story. Anyway, He removed it in -26 (not factoring windchill) and we headed to Swift Current. Stopped at the Canadian Tire to replace his PIECE OF SHIT socket set that infuriates both of us but we never remember to replace it!! They have a 428 piece socket and tool set that is $143.00....it's pretty decent. We like it, we buy it because it is on sale right now for $39.99! Bliss.

Then I see the clearance Christmas stuff. After 3 months of non-stop searching I find EXACTLY the mistletoe I want...in a lonely, mostly dismantled, practically barren, fourth aisle of clearance decorations. There it is, no tag, no price, ONLY ONE THERE, with a piece of masking tape with a code penned on it. I almost cried. $1.29.

If you want to be happy you focus on the good. We were exhausted, the girls were waging WWIII between them, our car (my baby) was damaged, we were hungry, delayed in getting home, faced with our own foolishness in not replacing the socket set and yet there we were. Swift Current, Canadian Tire, one hour before closing on a Sunday, hugging and laughing in a clearance aisle, with our steal of a deal socket set and my mistletoe. We are blessed. We are thankful.


P.S. About 6 days before leaving for Winnipeg BFF and I were at Home Sense. The mistletoe sign was on clearance for $2....I bought it.....because I had a feeling.

Gay Marriage and NOM ads

There are a few odd commercials out there regarding gay marriage. I can't help but sit here and think about them. I think it's odd that people feel threatened by gay marriage. One of the best quotes I heard today was that if you are against gay marriage then DON'T enter into one!!

At the end of one commercial it states that "marriage means a mommy and a daddy". Oh good, that means that my friends who are male/female married without children might also not count as "acceptable" because they aren't parents? I see. It all makes sense now. Brilliant thinking.

Another one of the commercials about confused children stated a WONDERFUL point. A child states that if Grandpa was a woman he and Grandma could still be married (under new laws, it was supposed to be offensive to the "Christian right"). WHAT GOOD NEWS!! Because, in my mind, gender should matter as much as race does! Which is NOT AT ALL!!

Which leads me to my final point. Religion repeats itself.

I'm sure this is a lot like when missionaries stated that the "Indians are doing well considering their obvious deformities". Or when segregation was supported. Let's go ahead and bring back the race riots maybe take away the vote for women, declare women as property again. No really....let's do that! I am truly in fear of a time when religious groups start accepting and loving homosexuals! The only group left to attack after that will be fat people. WAIT, they'd never do that....because unlike homosexuals some obese people attend church (read= you're actually stupid if you think there are no closet homosexuals in Christian churches).



I would be much less bitchy about this if religious groups took such a heavy, well funded & vocal stance against the "sins" of their own members. Rape, child molestation, adultery, slander, gluttony, pre-marital sex, gossip.....the list goes on. Where is the religious ad taking a stand against coveting?

I want to quote Billy Joel "Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone!" Christianity needs to get it's own affairs in order. Christianity, before you come knocking on my door with your God inspired hatred of others, get your own house cleaned up. Get your people into a position where their actions match their words. THEN I will welcome you with open arms and a listening ear. Of course.....if you do clean house......you'll have realized that even Jesus himself wouldn't support your current attitude and behavior. When that happens, you won't need to knock on my door. You won't be running around minding and micromanaging everyone! You'll have no message of hatred to motivate you to knock!